As long as Robert Menard has lived in Edgewater, he has dealt with the occasional porch pirate. It is a common occurrence across the country, even in the safest and most well-to-do neighborhoods. The nuisance has never really bothered Robert. His most prized and expensive internet purchases, the exotic spices, looted artwork, indigo dye, taxidermied big cats, are shipped to his office. No piracy concerns there.

The only purchase he regularly gets shipped to his house is a fifty pound bag of dog food for his beloved English bulldog, Winston. If a thief has the gumption (and physicality!) to steal that, go for it, he jokes. Nine times out of ten, Robert will find the opened parcel a block away, marooned on the Clifton treelawn. Winston doesn’t seem to mind this oblique form of quality control.

In recent months, Robert’s opinion has changed. It isn’t age that has hardened his stance, but something else entirely. Robert recently signed up for Ready Set’s Coffee Subscription service. Every month, three bags of coffee, ground to his exact specifications, are mailed right to his doorstep. It’s convenient, easy, and, as Robert has quickly found out, a new essential.

So when a porch pirate nabbed Robert’s recent order of Deep Track coffee, he decided to do something. To his office, he had shipped two 12-pounder long gun cannons, one hundred roundshots, muskets, cutlasses, and enough hard tack and salted pork rations to last a year. The armaments were swiftly installed on his Chevy Malibu, rechristened the R.M.S. (Robert Menard’s Service) Whiskey Island. 

From there, he went about conscripting a crew. He hired neighborhood boys, promising them tales of adventure, fair pay, and occasional passage to the mall in exchange for gruelling work. Only the boldest, the strongest, and most desperate twelve took Robert up on his offer of employment, packing into his sedan with the hopes of a better life.

Robert and his crew took to cruising the choppy roads of the West Side, day and night. Slow at first, the first porch pirate was found on Cove Avenue in Lakewood stealing a medium sized bubble mailer. Captain Robert, as he was called now, ordered ten cannon shots and a flurry of musket fire at the duplex to stop the pirate. Though unsuccessful in dissuading theft, the message was clear. Porch pirates beware. 

In the coming months, reports of theft in Cuyahoga County dropped to the lowest numbers of the decade. Officials attribute the reduction to the vigilante efforts of Captain Robert and his crew. At the same time, reports of property damage increased tenfold. However, one must grind a few beans in order to brew a coffee, as the saying should go. 

Once a month, Robert ports the car at his West Boulevard residence. The crew is given a weekend respite, many stop by the local pub for a pint of porter and spiced rum, others play fetch with Winston, who manages the property in Robert’s absence. Robert goes right to his porch and grabs his package of Ready Set coffee beans, delivered fresh and ready to brew. “A parley over a pint of java might make a matey out of any pirate,” he says as he brews a pot on his coffee maker. After a quick cup, it’s back to the high streets. 

Starting at just $20, the Ready Set Coffee Subscription service is the most convenient way to get locally roasted coffee. On the first Wednesday of every month, a fresh bag of coffee is delivered right to your doorstep. With four different roast options, there’s a bean for every coffee drinker. And as far as porch pirates go, don’t worry. Captain Robert and the crew of the R.M.S. Whiskey Island will take care of that.